Experiment # 34:
Question: What happens when you mix a caffeine with vanilla extract and drink it?
Hypothesis: A stimulant may prove helpful in assisting with my novel revisions.
Procedures: In an attempt to gain relatively accurate and repeatable dosage information. 2 grams of caffeine were dissolved into 25 ml volumetric flask. This means that every ml of mixture will contain 80 mg of caffeine. Roughly the equivalent of a strong cup of coffee.
ORL-RAT LD50 192 mg kg-1
ORL-HMN LDLO 192 mg kg-1
According to this, my minimum lethal dosage of caffeine would be in excess of 17 grams.
Therefore I should be well under tolerance, no matter how much of the mixture I consume. (Unless I bunged up the math.)
1. Caffeine seems to be rather insoluble. Heat must be applied to supersaturate the solution.
2. Volumetric flasks get hot when you hold them over the gas burner of your stove.
Mixture is a pleasant amber color.
Mixture is intensely bitter, causes burning sensation in mouth and throat.
Stage one: Consume 5 mg of mixture.
Short term effects:
0-30 seconds: Intense urge to gag.
1-3 minutes: Nausea. Extremely unpleasant aftertaste. Some coughing.
4-5 minutes: Coughing fades. Aftertaste remains. Nausea subsides with direct application of skim milk and cinnamon bread sticks.
10 minutes: Desire to watch Invader Zim. (May be coincidental.)
20 minutes: Mild excitability. Belief that I could, perhaps, lift up the front end of a car, if one were available, or if I could be bothered to go outside.
30 minutes: Continued desire for Invader Zim. No appreciable increase in the desire to work on novel.
Stage two: Consume additional 5 mg of mixture.
0-30 seconds: Bitter taste. Burning sensation. Intense urge to gag.
1-3 minutes: Nausea. Extremely unpleasant aftertaste. More coughing.
4-5 minutes: Coughing fades. Aftertaste remains. Nausea subsides with direct application of Southwestern Chicken Grinder from Toppers.
10 minutes. Feelings of doubt. Uncertainty. Tendency to question my own sanity. Depression. Further desire for Southwestern Chicken Grinder.
15 minutes: Moderate excitation. Sensation of bloating. (May be unrelated.) Desire to check e-mail.
20 minutes: Moderate desire to write.
30 minutes: Strong desire to write.
Long term effects:
1-5 hours: Productive revisions on book two. Mild Nausea. Mild elation. Urination. Some jittering. Weird pains in large muscle groups, most notably quadriceps and triceps. Tightness in chest. Tunnel of light. Mild dementia and/or conversation with God. Continued desire for Invader Zim. Twinkie.
While this a marked success over Experiment 15, as it involved no prolonged vomiting, the discomfort-to-revision ratio still seems rather high. Also, the small N prevents determination of statistical significance.
And now, sweet, jittery sleep.
posted by Pat at 6:57 AM