Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Facebook and Fortune Cookies

A while back, I heard a rumor that Facebook wouldn't let you have more than 5000 friends.

At the time, it was just a little blip of information: interesting, but not really relevant to my life. I remember thinking, "That's sensible. Nobody could ever have 5000 friends anyway, and some sort of limit will keep facebook from getting all myspacey."

Fast forward to two days ago. I'm going about my business on facebook, adding another handful of people who've sent me requests, and what do I see?





So apparently the rumor is true...

I mention this for two reasons:

1) If you send a friend request and I don't add you, don't feel snubbed. And take it personally. And show up outside my house clutching a bouquet of flowers and a homemade shiv. Naked.

2) To let folks know that most of my activity is moving to the official facebook fan page. That's where I'll be posting most of the book-related events, pictures, and other assorted ephemera from now on.
(Editorial note - In response to some comments below: I'm still planning on doing the blog. No fear of that going away. I'm just moving most of my facebooking from one place to another.)



Now, the main event. Audience participation requested...

More than a year ago, someone sent me a copy of their book to sign. As per the rules I've laid out in a previous blog, they sent something cool: fortune cookies.
(Editorial note - Yes I'm still signing books according to the rules set down in the blog. But if you want a simpler option, I'll soon be selling signed books as part of the upcoming Heifer Fundraiser. Just so you know.)
Now this might not sound terribly cool at first. After all, you get fortune cookies for free when you order take-out Chinese food. Personally, after packing myself full of garlic shrimp, I'm not always in the mood for a dry, kinda almondy cookie. So for me, fortune cookies slowly accumulate in my kitchen where Sarah arranges them in vaguely ocd patterns on the countertop.

But you need to believe me when I tell you that the cookies these folks sent were, in point of fact, terribly cool. Turns out they actually run their own business where they do custom fortune cookies. Cookies in all manner of delicious flavors like orange or strawberry. Cookies dipped in chocolate. Yes. Chocolate.



(Rock. On.)

Better yet, this company is located in Indianapolis. The same place as Gen Con.

And this year I'm going to be GOH at Gen Con....

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

So I'm going to get some cookies to hand out at GenCon this year, but I'm not sure what they should say inside. These days fortune-cookie fortunes are all cheerful and nice. ("Everyone loves you, and your ass looks great in those jeans.") That's always bugged me. If these cookies are supposed to predict the future, then simple statistics say that some of them should foretell some dire shit. ("You should really see a urologist.")

Also, I miss the old, cryptic, badly translated fortunes. The ones that said things like, "The onion in your salad is someone else's orchid."

And I feel like I should have a few cookies that relate to the books. Maybe a few portentous hints about book two. (Some true, some not.)

Here's the problem, I tend to write long things, not short things. Fortune Cookie fortunes are short.

So I turn to you, my clever and creative fanbase. Any suggestions?

pat

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posted by Pat at

224 Comments:

Blogger Book Minstrel said...

I am number one - or rather unemployed with nothing better to do.

The above is both true (for me) and short enough to put in a fortune cookie.

I will try to think of witty things for fortune cookies but now I am just stunned that I get number one and want to post it before anyone else does. Will get back to you about fortune cookie sayings if I have anything brilliant and witty come up.

August 5, 2009 11:14 AM  
Anonymous Andrew W. said...

Ideas:

Your feet do not match.

Your mother dresses you funny.

I'm lost in the factory. Send help. And milk.

Enlightenment does not come in confections.

Monkeys are pretty great, aren't they?

You're halfway there. Remember to chew first, then swallow.

Don't forget to stop at the grocery store.

Have you seen your shoes? No? Less cookies would help!

August 5, 2009 11:20 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Oh man, we are not starting that whole, "First!" thing here. No way. Not in my house.

Fair warning.

Andrew: Those are awesome.

August 5, 2009 11:32 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Some cryptic statements can serve to prevent the writer from stepping on someone's toes. Other cryptic statements are only used to get a negative reaction from the reader. If you want to be clever about your fortune cookies, that's cool. But try not to turn what could be a good complimentary snack into a trollfest.

Have fun at the convention, Pat.

August 5, 2009 11:33 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

An ex-girlfriend had a funny story about a fortune cookie. She was a teenager, having a family dinner at a Chinese restaurant with her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

After the meal, everyone opened up their fortune cookies and read their fortunes to everyone else. When it got to her, she got all embarrased, because hers said "Good for one free blowjob". She stammered a little, then told everyone that it sais something like "Have a nice day".

She kept the fortune and laminated it with scotch tape. I asked her if I could have it, but she wouldn't give it to me. :)

It sounded to me like the factory was making both "normal" fortune cookies and joke ones, and one of the joke ones got mixed in with the normal ones.

August 5, 2009 11:34 AM  
Blogger Tae said...

Poorly translated / ominous-y fortunes:

* It shall come from behind and to the left.

* The potato's eyes see more than is known.

* Vodka is the starch wine of the peasant.

* The teapot floats in readiness.

* From beneath you, it devours. (I always thought that sounded like a bad fortune cookie when I heard it on Buffy)

August 5, 2009 11:35 AM  
Blogger Tae said...

I wish I had thought about it before posting, but it just struck me that I've been getting the lamest fortunes in my cookie for the past few weeks. "Never give up" and "Made in the USA" for example. It's very disappointing.

August 5, 2009 11:39 AM  
Blogger Andrew Thigpen said...

The crow flies at midnight.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

I like Twizzlers.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Did you know that koala bears are not cuddly?

I wish I had a pair of those sneakers that lit up when you walked.

I wish roller rinks were popular again.

Do clowns wear bell-bottoms out of necessity or because of the 70s?

My favorite Transformer is [fill in blank].

I generally don't find cartoons attractive, but Cheetarah is just plain hot.

I hope the new GI Joe movie doesn't suck.

Sometimes I get writers block...even when writing your fortune.

August 5, 2009 11:42 AM  
Blogger Dudley Dawson said...

Here are a few:

1. Beware of Jenkem addiction.

2. Drink Hai Karate; you won't believe what happens.

3. You have a friend in Satan.

4. Your lip-fungus may bring about an awkward situation amongst your friends.

5. Follow the advice of talking dogs.

6. You will soon meet a man with halitosis; French-kiss him immediately.

7. Start carrying shurikens.

8. There's a dead strumpet in your future.

9. Be on the look out for strange peristalsis disruptions.

10. Beware of unkempt wizards.

11. Trust only unkempt wizards.

12. Soil yourself like there's no one watching.

13. Invest in Tofurkey.

14. What is "Funching" anyways?

15. No one appreciates your ability to find new and esoteric uses for cucumbers.

16. Find a CHUD. Make it your pet.

17. Little did Spock and Kirk know: The most important ship in space is friendship. Discuss.

18. Hiss at a stranger. You'll be glad you did.

19. Congratulations: You've got worms!

20. Drinking Night-Train will make you desirable to the opposite sex - but only to hobos of the opposite sex.

August 5, 2009 11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I personally vote for annymous quotes from book two...better than hints because they still give you clues but are even more mysterious because you don't know who is saying them...

August 5, 2009 11:54 AM  
Blogger Vortican said...

Wooo!
Fortune cookies + Name of the Wind = Awesome
I'll have to check my jar o' saved fortunes (when I get home from work), but this is one of my favorites:
"The dawn does not dispel the shadows of night, rather it makes them more intense"
At first it seems nice, but if you think about its kinda disturbing.

August 5, 2009 11:55 AM  
Anonymous Aleron said...

Those weren't Chicken Balls you just ate.

August 5, 2009 11:57 AM  
Anonymous cisko said...

Shouldn't a fortune say something predictive about the future? I always get annoyed when my fortune makes claims about the present -- "You have a good heart" or some such.

ObXKCD: Fortune Cookies

Some true fortunes:

The next person you meet will decide to betray you, but then think better of it.

Your good deed from exactly three years and seventeen days ago is bearing fruit at this moment.

You will almost achieve enlightenment.

Your heirs will find this fortune in your sock drawer.

You will eventually prove this fortune to be false.

Notice the most interesting color around you. You will notice it again at the moment your life changes.

August 5, 2009 11:58 AM  
Anonymous Juju said...

Lern doch mal eine Fremdsprache! (which means: Go and learn a foreign language! Of course it doesn't have to be German though.)

August 5, 2009 12:01 PM  
Blogger James said...

You could always put in a Caddyshack fortune cookie:

Gunga galunga!

James

August 5, 2009 12:07 PM  
Blogger Brandon said...

Your sympathy may someday fail you.

Questionable answers grant you unquestionable insight.

You can slay your Dragons with the drugs that will slay you.

The swallow cannot carry your coconut.

Kvothe has been here. He ate the cream filling.

Understanding the beginning only comes at the end.

Patrick Rothfuss is Joss Whedon's Master.

August 5, 2009 12:08 PM  
Anonymous Nobody said...

My favorite fortune that I've ever gotten has to be "The food here is so good, even a caveman likes it." But as for original ones... "You have twenty-four hours to live. The antidote is [continued in cookie two]" is all I've got.

August 5, 2009 12:10 PM  
Blogger Gordon said...

Why come up with something when someone else already has?

http://www.bigoo.ws/cookie.aspx

August 5, 2009 12:22 PM  
Blogger Hannah said...

The best one I've actually encountered is: "If you do not know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

hmmm...

Buy Westing Paper Products

Duck!

Smile, You're on candid camera

This is not the fortune you are looking for...

Beware the fanboy in red.

Seek for the sword that was broken.

August 5, 2009 12:23 PM  
Blogger Wysen said...

The fortune cookie is a lie.

The power will go out in your house.

A smile a day will cause more wrinkles to your old, leathery face.

Winter is coming. (Oh wait, wrong author.)

A bright future awaits the person who was supposed to get this cookie but passed on it, fatty.

Shhhh. Do you smell that?

You are not his number one fan, his mom is his number one fan.

Your lucky numbers: (insert last weeks Lotto numbers).

Shater. Did it. Better.

Enlightenment is reached when one... hmmm... I forgot the rest.

You crack me up.

Your a prince(or princess). May the Schwartz be with you.

I--I got nothing to offer, sorry.

August 5, 2009 12:28 PM  
Blogger jdcb said...

Put codes on them, little 6 digit things. Pick 5 of the numbers in advance. Advise everyone that if they enter the code on your website they can win a 1 week advance copy of book two, signed...

Now that I have that typed, I dunno... Could generate more traffic at the least...

August 5, 2009 12:29 PM  
Blogger Ringl said...

1. Never gonna give you up

2. FINAL NOTICE - your library books are overdue

3. I'm leftover from ComicCon

4. This application failed to start properly. Please reboot.

5. This certificate good for one free fortune cookie.

6. Skip the fortune cookie, breath mints are three booths down.

7. Fear the beard. Love the beard.

8. ಠ_ಠ

August 5, 2009 12:34 PM  
Anonymous elias said...

There are events in your future.

Fate has brought this cookie to you.

Cryptic fortunes are always true (for a given definition of "true").

There are clouds on the horizon (or perhaps just beyond).

Your inhibitions are your greatest asset.

In time, you will forgive her.

He may not deserve forgiveness.

The book of destiny has many pages, and you're somewhere in the middle.

On a scale from one to awesome, you're super great.

If that cookie were an animal, this would be its guts.

Happiness can be yours.

A special someone is thinking about you right now. Turn around.

August 5, 2009 12:34 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Conan the Barbarian is the greatest movie ever made. You may disagree, but you'd be wrong.

August 5, 2009 12:36 PM  
Blogger Steve Dowdle said...

"Beware of falling rocks."

"You will or will not die today."

"Strike first."

"Your parents secretly hate you."

August 5, 2009 12:37 PM  
Blogger gatinha said...

mhhhh... how about:

If you pluck too hard at your lute strings, they will tear.

and i still quite into:

Ich habe zuviele Affen auf meinem Dachboden. (or whatever that was)

August 5, 2009 12:39 PM  
Blogger gatinha said...

This post has been removed by the author.

August 5, 2009 12:41 PM  
Blogger jblazier said...

- Please help, being kept prisoner in cookie factory

-You will want another one

-This cookie was pre-licked

-Spam

-Everything comes out ok in the end, even this cookie

-HAHAHA! you actually ate the cookie!

-There were two fortunes in this cookie

-Cookie brought to you by Soylent Green.

August 5, 2009 12:43 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

Let's get some random facts in the fortune cookies. You know, educate the masses with useless information.

-If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

-According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.

-The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

-When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months.

-The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

-Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.

-The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet (9 m).

-American car horns beep in the tone of F.

-Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.

-The word "nerd" was first coined by Dr. Seuss in "If I Ran the Zoo."

August 5, 2009 12:44 PM  
Blogger Incubus Jax said...

I have just one, but it's awesome:

"That wasn't chicken."

There you go.

August 5, 2009 12:56 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Fucking blue shells...

Have you ever mixed lithium and water? Yay, fire!!!

August 5, 2009 1:06 PM  
Blogger JW said...

I do believe that twitter was made for this query.

But this is fun!

1. Great happiness lays in cheese.

2. Don't twitter about it and no one will know.

3. You're doing it wrong.

4. One day you will bribe a priest.

5. The secret is in the tip of the nose.

6. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

August 5, 2009 1:18 PM  
Anonymous Rex said...

Personaly I would find it funny to get a fortune cookie that said:

"Your day will be boring, just like the last one... what did you expect?"

or to really confuse people:

"Sorry, please try again later"

...
then there's the nerd angle... i mean it is Gen Con

"An alien will burst forth from your chest"

"You forgot to save your game before you left the house"

"Roll Initiative"

August 5, 2009 1:25 PM  
Blogger Vulpes Fulva said...

"Gotcha."

"Thanks for eating my shell. That was my home. Dick."

"The lottery numbers on the back are guaranteed winners. ;)"

"I wish I could go around breaking things, reading their insides."

"You don't even like cookies!"

August 5, 2009 1:26 PM  
Blogger Vulpes Fulva said...

Nice ones, Rex.

August 5, 2009 1:27 PM  
Blogger Adam B. Shaeffer said...

Just to clarify:

Will you be posting news and updates on Facebook only, or will you continue to post on this blog?

August 5, 2009 1:28 PM  
Blogger Hans Gao said...

"Be wary of folly."

'nuff said.

August 5, 2009 1:48 PM  
Blogger jdcb said...

I think he's going to keep the blog, just going to consolidate the 14 facebook things he has going on into one spot...

I hope he keeps the blog, i can't get on facebook from work...

August 5, 2009 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should have atleast one cookie that says " You have no fortune, sucks to be you" That person gets a prize.

August 5, 2009 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

-Welcome to Gencon 1999!

And I suppose if you want to be weird and vaguely meta

-First post!

August 5, 2009 2:01 PM  
Anonymous Shavron said...

This cookie was made with 75% recycled Rothfuss beard.

If you are reading this than it is already too late.

You... You just destroyed my house!!!

You will eat a cookie today.

You're going to die.

Sometime soon, when you least expect it, you will embarrass a goose.

Shoes are not soul food.

Today a man will give you a fortune cookie. That already happened? Damn it!

An idea for some random cryptic cookies is just have a list of various organs.

August 5, 2009 2:04 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

A friend of mine got this once after we gorged ourselves on buffet style chinese food

"tastes like chicken"

August 5, 2009 2:11 PM  
Blogger Sylph said...

My favourite ever fortune cookie said, "You have great stories to tell."

1. All that glitters is not gold. So take off your mother's gold lurex bra.

2. He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

3. Blue fire means your boiler is not working.

4. Fortune will come to those who throw themselves of Rookery buildings. That or death.

I'm really bad at this...:)

Jemma.

August 5, 2009 2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I were sitting about laughing about some of the cookie quotes, and ideas, in the comment section. I looked at him, and said one of my own, which he urged me to post:

The Rothfuss you know is not the Rothfuss outside your bedroom window.

August 5, 2009 2:12 PM  
Blogger Robert Crandall said...

All good things are worth waiting for. And a bath won't kill you.

August 5, 2009 2:14 PM  
Blogger Wysen said...

Welcome to Gen Con 2009! What are the odds you're female and reading this?

August 5, 2009 2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best one I have ever received:
"Help I am stuck in a fortune cookie factory!"


Other good ones to consider:

"Bacteria are the only culture some people have."

"Look on the other side for fortune" (written on both sides)

Something in code or pieces of the Voynich Manuscript.

"Oh god you just ate my liver!"

August 5, 2009 2:31 PM  
Anonymous David said...

1. Duck!!!

2. I see you.

3. Look behind you.

4. This fortune cookie intentionally left blank.

August 5, 2009 2:37 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

There is an empty cubical across from you...go to it...now.

This is a distraction.

Grow A beard and wait for success.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Please enjoy this installment of the fortune cookie chronicles.

Sofa king we todd did.

August 5, 2009 2:56 PM  
Blogger Keith said...

When in doubt, WWKD?

Uncopyrightable is the longest word in the English language that doesn't repeat a letter.

Unknown forces are working against you!

August 5, 2009 3:09 PM  
Anonymous Jason H. said...

The best fortune cookie I ever got had this message inside it:

"Get a tetanus shot... now!"

August 5, 2009 3:29 PM  
Anonymous Armin said...

You are moving to facebook? Do I understand this correctly? No more blogging here?

I hate facebook :( - Took a glance at your site there anyways and you have 5023 friends, so you must have beaten the system ;)

As to your request for furtune cookies... I read a good bunch of the propositions on the blog and must point out that Chris got it right:
"But try not to turn what could be a good complimentary snack into a trollfest."

Well I dont have the time to think of good furtune telling short lyrics, so I'll leave it at those 2 cents of mine.

cheers from Germany
Armin

August 5, 2009 3:39 PM  
Blogger J.M. said...

You sure do have a perty mouth.

August 5, 2009 3:54 PM  
Anonymous Guido Guijt said...

We do not have fortune cookies at the chinese in the Netherlands, so I cannot sap into collected fortunes, but I'll give it a try.

You will not find fortune in a cookie.

The sickest pigeon makes the best peking duck.

On a related subject, Pat, maybe you should make e deal with these fortune cookie people to bring out a wise man's fear on fortune cookie paper as an alternative edition. That will add a bit of puzzling to the joy of reading.

August 5, 2009 3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whenever you get a fortune cookie you have to say "in bed" after it.... so funny.. try it. That's the only reason I ever open them. So excited for book two. :)

August 5, 2009 5:00 PM  
Blogger Aerron said...

Your underwear would be better told no.

Kvothe is NOT the father.

Your day has only begun to brighten.

Enjoy your mild gastric discomfort.

And your baby.

August 5, 2009 5:01 PM  
Blogger islandgirl said...

I like the random quotes from book 2 idea.

August 5, 2009 6:19 PM  
Blogger islandgirl said...

Did you ever do the "in bed" thing with hymns at church? That's even funnier!

August 5, 2009 6:21 PM  
Blogger Bryn said...

You're going to make one lucky feline very happy someday.

It's too hot or cold or mild outside.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you suicidal.

Always give up your seat to someone pregnant, handicapped, elderly or super hot.

Expect a drunk dial soon.

It's not me, it's you.

You will grow emotionally from months of bone-crushing agony.

Hos before Bros.

Your footwear is disgraceful.

I'm watching you.

Carpe Diem before the glaciers drown us.

I'm sure no one noticed.

Don't give up on the dreams you never had!

August 5, 2009 6:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"may the fleas of 1000 rodents infest the crotch of the person who ruins your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch"


-Jenn

August 5, 2009 6:54 PM  
OpenID limabeanbreath said...

Well, I remember one time, everyone at the table decided to combine fortunes into one long one. Make yours compatible?

Anyways, the only one I remember from that was "To find yourself, play hide and seek alone."

You could go all crazy and put some Zen koans in there, or get a bunch of word magnets (or make them yourself) and mix 'nd match. Or put in some classic Shakespearean insults. Put in dire Shakespeare prophecy. Or...

August 5, 2009 6:58 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

"You will break a lute string at an inopportune moment."

"Don't look now, but there's a creepy man reading this over your shoulder."

"It's better to have hair in your seafood than crabs in your pants."

"Your lucky numbers are 6 6 6... dude that sucks."

"You will find happiness with another man's dog."

"Bast likes you, but only as a friend."

"The key to happiness unlocks the door of depression."

"Your friends wish you'd bathe more."

"Travel is in your future. Also, car accidents. Lots of car accidents."

"Hand lotion is not a substitute for a girlfriend."

"The carpet is always greener in your next door friend's bathtub."

"Kvothe/Bast 2012."

"Joe Abercrombie thinks you're hot."

"When the flowers bloom and the birds sing you'll find a dead body in the cellar."

"You will write a screenplay. It won't get bought, but your mom will like it."

August 5, 2009 7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay okay okay how about this:

"404 error: the fortune you were looking for could not be found."

August 5, 2009 7:20 PM  
Anonymous Robbie said...

"Your beard will grow long and useful for cleaning tight spaces."

-Ancient Chinese Proverb

August 5, 2009 7:31 PM  
Blogger Heather Faye said...

None of these fortunes are based on actual events.

Were this an actual fortune it would be followed by, "in bed".

Angel... Spike... Angel... Spike.

and my personal fav of

You can't take the sky from me.

August 5, 2009 7:38 PM  
Blogger Praimon said...

"404:error..." Best one yet.

August 5, 2009 7:40 PM  
Blogger River said...

I'm really annoyed that someone beat me to "From beneath you, it devours." In keeping with a theme, "Fire bad, tree pretty," and "I'm drowning in Cool-Whip!" spring to mind, but they're probably copyrighted. I'm still fond of the old "That's what she said" but then, I can be kind of immature for a grown-up. Have fun with this, I know I am!

August 5, 2009 7:45 PM  
Blogger logankstewart said...

I liked the one from Rocco's Modern Life:

"You will have bad luck and extreme misfortune to infest your pathetic soul for all eternity."

Of course, that could be copyright infringement.

How about...

"Core dump."
"Do not trust her/him."
"It's okay. It'll get better eventually."
"Make sure it's not contagious first."
"If you come and build it, I will watch."
"DO NOT TAKE THE ELEVATOR TONIGHT!"

Pat, you could create some super-special fortune cookies with original messages from you (and various other authors) and make a special box of fortune cookies a prize for the Heifer Fundraiser this year. Just an idea.

August 5, 2009 7:48 PM  
Blogger kjy1066 said...

Okay - here goes:

A kitten in the pot is worth three yuan.

One of your friends wants you to go to the Hell of Horny Dragons!

He who knows the true DAO wastes little time with crunchy desserts.

Xiaping was here.

ning: Batch #110056747 has been contamin

As the Youthful Sage said: Hunting and running madden the mind

As you read this, your enemies are hidden, planning your death

Don't leave home without a seven-demon bag

The wind has broken, and your journey begins

Ah. . . that's as many as I can come up with that are of any quality. . . Have fun with 'em!

August 5, 2009 7:54 PM  
Blogger Jonathan said...

1. Beware the gelatinous cube.
2. Genetics make it impossible for guinea pigs to rule the world.
3. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Too bad, you get these two sentences instead.
4. For a good time, dial 1-800-COOKIE
5. Love to live, live to love.
6. Ramen noodles are the pubic hair of pasta.
7. This fortune is valid for one free backrub. Well, get moving! This cookie doesn't rub itself!
8. Bananas - quite possibly the world's most perfect food. Too bad you're stuck with this cookie instead.
9. Popcorn is just a hot vegetable.
10. Shampoo? Really? Why not call it Shampee instead?
11. Camels are awesome. They are the same color as fortune cookies.
12. Ever thought about what it means to be deaf? What?!
13. Fortune on the other side. (Other side) Fortune on the other side.
14. w00t!
15. You've been pwn'd
16. www.patrickrothfuss.com
17. Seriously, "Rosebud"? Who even heard him say it?!
18. Forget about yourself & make someone's day.
19. Say it with almond extract and flour.
20. Say "toyboat" as fast as you can 5 times.

August 5, 2009 8:02 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Logan: That's brilliant. I'm totally going to hit the Cookie people up for a collaboration prize in the Heifer project.

August 5, 2009 8:07 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

I got one once that said:

You will be hungry soon, order takeout now.

August 5, 2009 8:12 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

We're sorry, but your fortune is in another cookie.

This fortune was printed inside a recycled cookie.

Dear Sir/Madam,I am Bada Musa, Bank Manager of ORIENT BANK OF NIGERIA, Lagos Branch. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

May your life be long and useful... like toilet paper.

Oh no, not again.

I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. -RAB

August 5, 2009 8:13 PM  
Anonymous robert B. said...

best fortune i ever got: never forget a friend that owes you money. true story

August 5, 2009 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Erin Jump said...

@ LoganStewart! This is a great idea: Pat, you could create some super-special fortune cookies with original messages from you (and various other authors) and make a special box of fortune cookies a prize for the Heifer Fundraiser this year. Just an idea.

I'm totally on board for this!

@ Everyone else, great creative fortune ideas... We are going to save these and see if we can put them in the mix. Thanks!

August 5, 2009 8:17 PM  
Anonymous Erin Jump said...

Oh, and if you want FREE samples, email erin@fancyfortunecookies.com please include your address. Common sense I know, but if I don't say this, half of you will leave it off.... :)

The "Cookie Person"

Oh and the samples won't have Pat's exclusive fortunes inside.

August 5, 2009 8:22 PM  
Blogger SWEETDADDY_73 said...

Love it:

You ARE becoming your mother

RUN!!!

Know who you think you are

Freddie's coming for you

Ski Aspen

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man boring and tired

Eat, drink and do Mary

Home is where the hard-on

A bird in the bush is worth two in the stink

August 5, 2009 8:23 PM  
Blogger Bridget said...

Best one I ever got:

"You are literate"

August 5, 2009 8:34 PM  
Blogger Book Minstrel said...

Brilliancy can not be forced - book will come when book is ready

Thou hath the fury of a warrior tiger - on sleeping pills.

Good things come for you - don't move.

Staring at computer screen without progress makes greasy monkey.

SMILE! That wasn't chocolate.

Do what makes your heart happy, but only if Kvothe would do it first.

**** I vote for random quotes from book three... really throw people off the trail. ****

August 5, 2009 8:35 PM  
Anonymous Mount Belbin said...

I don't got much, but I got a little. Here we go. Jeb, roll on drums.

- The wise man's fear is a fool's adventure.

- Scrying has evolved. Slightly.

- Have you seen your taxes lately?

- You are five seconds closer to death.

- All truth is hidden by doors of stone.

- You will find love where you least expect it. [This fortune cookie was brought to you by Astroforce]

- Sometimes chicken satay isn't really chicken satay.

- Keep going. You might find Bin Laden.

- When faced with an obstacle, ask yourself: what would Manson do?

- You're halfway to Buddhahood. All you need is to shave your head and stretch your earlobes.

August 5, 2009 8:59 PM  
Anonymous Jason W. said...

Your karma will run over your dogma

August 5, 2009 9:07 PM  
Blogger michael said...

-Don't. Look. Behind. You.

-This is a really stupid Fortune Cookie, huh?

-As the threat of terrorism escalates, Jack Bauer is forced to take matters into his own hands. [This is a foolproof fortune. It's kind of like saying, "I predict that something inevitable will happen."]

-You are on, or soon will be on, a boat.

-Look! A seagull!

-Joss Whedon is your master now.

-Sobriety is greatly over-rated.

-These are not the droids you're looking for.

August 5, 2009 9:19 PM  
Blogger James said...

This should be fun. I will try.

-The truth is in the glove compartment.

-There is a walrus in your future.

-You will be bothered by an existentialist.

-Consider opening a haberdashery.

-Watch for falling barracudas.

-Your ad here.

-If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, aren't you late for the bus?

-Good for one free signed copy of Wise Man's Fear. Offer invalid if original cookie has been damaged.

-A cookie will lead you astray.

-Alcohol, meerkats, and a unicycle are a recipe for good times.

-Don't think about a pink hippopotamus.

-Other cookies have better fortunes.

-Don't worry, I hear hair restoration surgery is getting more affordable.

-This is neither the time, nor the place to try out your new giraffe.

-Confucius say that's my waffle!

-Your grammar will be criticized on the internet.

-awi;jdohp sorry, cat got on the keyboard.

-You came to GenCon and all you got was this lousy cookie.

I think that's enough for now.

August 5, 2009 9:22 PM  
Blogger michael said...

"(see other side)"

"The release date for The wise man's fear is" funnier if "is" ends up printed right at the end of the fortune

"You will contract con plague"

"A pigeon will soil your car"

"Kvothe dies"

"secret decoder ring message: KMENTHABTK"

"Did you hear that?"

"You tell my fortune for once"

August 5, 2009 9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"don't worry, it happens to everybody"

"no, it doesn't look infected"

"don't worry, I do this all the time"

"it really was the one-armed man"

The best fortune I've received in a cookie:
"beware cookies bearing fortunes"

August 5, 2009 9:42 PM  
Anonymous Dragynfox said...

How about:

The horse is out of the barn

If you send this to ten of your friends your true love will kiss you next Friday. If you don't you'll die.

The program Fortune Cookie has encountered an unexpected error and needs to close

If you don't buy Wise Man's Fear the day it's released your underwear will burst into flames.

Run home, your house is on fire.

August 5, 2009 9:42 PM  
Blogger Nitro said...

The best one I ever got (still on my Fridge):

"You will loose your inhibitions"

Other suggestions:

>Your frontal lobe will soon take a vacation (related to the above favourite)

>Remember, all smells are particulate

>Beware of Folly (Not just for T-shirts)

>Those awkward silences are about you

> You ain't seen nothing yet

> Make me proud

> It is always better to multiply than divide

> Are you sure you locked the door?

> Enlightenment is overrated

August 5, 2009 9:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pat you fortune cookie should say:

I like pie

or

I <3 Sandeep


Shannon

August 5, 2009 10:06 PM  
Blogger Jamis said...

There just happens to be a website chock full of the inspiration you're looking for:

http://weirdfortunecookies.com/

(No, I'm not affiliated with it in any way, but I've had more than a few laughs while reading it.)

August 5, 2009 10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since enough people are familliar with the "in bed" gag, you have some that just say "_____ in bed"

August 5, 2009 10:17 PM  
Anonymous Alan said...

The best fortune I ever got read " :)You are pretty.:)" There were indeed smileys on both sides of the fortune.

Other ideas:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

"The most important questions are answered with more questions."

"Doors are for people with no imagination."

"Reality disappoints."

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

August 5, 2009 10:23 PM  
Blogger Andreas said...

2+2 equals 5 in case of large values of the number 2

man that translates really bad from Danish

Envy is purest form of flatery

August 5, 2009 10:26 PM  
Blogger James Thelman said...

You should really get that checked.

DON'T scratch it.

OMG.

Nice tip, cheapskate. I escaped communist China for this? Thanks, asshole.

August 5, 2009 11:37 PM  
Blogger Kathryn said...

"You do know we poisoned the cookies, right?"

is all I've got. But any quotes or just anything to do with Name of the Wind or Wise Man's Fear would be awesome.

August 6, 2009 12:59 AM  
Blogger Jennie said...

the strangest one I ever received was "The back of this is reserved for your business notes" it was made of random and a little poignant as I was somewhat disillusioned with business at the time.

August 6, 2009 1:30 AM  
Anonymous A Pitchfork Rusts said...

Wait wait wait, everyone wait up!

I can't believe nobody's mentioned this yet.

The fortune cookie messages should each have seven words.

August 6, 2009 2:00 AM  
Anonymous Jerry said...

I always liked..

Things are always darkest, before they go completely black.

August 6, 2009 2:10 AM  
Anonymous Joe L. said...

hmmm...

- for those of you married:
"Don't forget the milk!"

- random bob dylan quote
"them not busy being born are busy dying"

- dnd
"Make a spot check!"
("roll for initiative" was also good, but taken)

- instructional
"swap this fortune with the person 2 to your left. add "in bed" to the end. that is the truth."

August 6, 2009 2:28 AM  
Blogger shaun said...

Step one complete ... proceed to Step two.

Only one who is truly Lost can know The Name of The Wind.

3BT79YLO

Rook takes Bishop, Checkmate.

however agrevating the First thing may be it may be something you can put in a cookie.

Eg.

First!

and thats what i got for now

August 6, 2009 2:47 AM  
Anonymous General Knowledge said...

Mic check...

This is in Spanish when your not looking.

VOUCHER

And you didn't think rats could type...

You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy.

Show us on the doll where he touched you.

This used to be a singing fortune.

Sub Main()
MsgBox("Hello, World!")
End Sub

IF YOU <> "enlightened" THEN LOOP

I'm reading you too.

Don't look at me like that.

It's not your fault.

Did you knock?!

Do I know you?

This is so much fun. -.-

404 ERROR - FILE NOT FOUND

Honesttly, I am running out of ideas here.

Why don't you predict my fortune?!

Buy the next lotto ticket you see.

TAG! You're it!

Sorry, Pat the song is over. That means I am done.

August 6, 2009 3:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lot of lol'ing here. But none king killer ones would be a little off (as much as I like RAB lol
matt and not the droids michael)

1.“They will come for you in the night. Use two condoms”
2.“Be the cookie monster of your Passions.”
3.“Aerlevsedi”
4.Any Auri quote “Think of all the tipsy bees.”
5.“A Wise Man's Fear, of spiders will save you from being bit”
6.“A Wise Man's Fear,” etc...
7.“A Wise Man's Fear, shall come to peroration in the fall.” my favorite
8.“One of your loved ones needs to be told you love them”
9.“When you become hungry you should eat.”
10.“The most confused dragonfly, believes it is a dragon to big to fly. Umm.. don't mess with crazy people?”

I had a lot more but more or less less is more.

-plucky

August 6, 2009 4:03 AM  
OpenID arcaneja said...

If you don't use :

Tuan volgen oketh ama.

in at least a FEW of the cookies, the flowers/shiv deal may start to sound more appealing. ;)

One of the very few things I've written may be a good internet-geek fortune cookie. "Head is to desk as face is to palm."

You're an amazing writer and a genuinely funny guy. Go through The Book or your blog for a large selection of memorable quotes. Wonderful things!

If you want to make it a special treat, give them a good quote from WMF so that they have to save the Fortune (who wouldn't?) until they can read it in context and use it as a funny little bookmark on that page.

August 6, 2009 4:03 AM  
Blogger Susanne said...

Heh, I'm loving all these suggestions. Mine:

When in Rome, pee in the fountain.

August 6, 2009 4:37 AM  
Anonymous Nate J said...

OH DEAR GOD, it must be:

"Thank you zealous fan!
But YOUR Rothfussian hint is in another cookie!"

August 6, 2009 5:38 AM  
OpenID white-tean said...

So glad I managed to relocate this site to share with you!
http://weirdfortunecookies.com/

Actual fortune cookie slogans that are hilariously authentic. :D

I wish you good fortune in your cookie pursuits!

August 6, 2009 6:05 AM  
Blogger Lysander said...

Here are some ideas:

"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this."

"The Princess is in another cookie."

"The cake is a lie."

"First!"

"Don't worry; I can't pronounce 'Kvothe' either."

August 6, 2009 6:38 AM  
Blogger james said...

'You have crumbs on your pants'.

August 6, 2009 6:46 AM  
Blogger Steve S said...

"She's pregnant; you're not the father."

"She's pregnant; you are the father."

"You're fired."

August 6, 2009 7:23 AM  
Anonymous Christine Rains said...

*LOL* Those are some great suggestions already. I wish I was witty enough to add to those suggestions.

I can't wait to see you Gen Con, Pat!

August 6, 2009 7:31 AM  
Blogger icarpenter said...

My favorite fortune cookies, that I really saw:

You have many friends who are bright, witty and entertaining. What happened to you?

Poor man pinch pennies. Rich man sqeeze tomatoes.

August 6, 2009 8:07 AM  
Anonymous dlauthor said...

My favorite cookie fortune, and I swear to God this actually happened, read, and I quote:

MORE PINEAPPLE PLEASE

No, it wasn't the flip-side, where they try to teach you to speak a phrase badly in Mandarin. That was the fortune. And since then, I've always tried to live by that code.

August 6, 2009 8:22 AM  
Anonymous Vasko said...

There are tons of good one here. Here are some of mine..

This end up

Somebody set us up the bomb!

All your base are belong to us.

You have read this.... You will die in 3 days

Gold is the pickle of a man's house

Watch for falling objects

The stars say you are a wonderful person... but you know they are lying

That guy you made mad at work will have his revenge

August 6, 2009 8:30 AM  
Blogger crusaderbond said...

Here are a few

Shakespeare stuff

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark

Out, damned spot!

Et tu, Brute?

Cowards die many times before their deaths

The world is thy oyster

Thou art a votary to fond desire

Be not afraid of greatness

Get thee to a nunnery

Asses are made to bear, and so are you

Tao te Ching (old chinese proverbs)

Heaven and earth do not act from (the impulse of) any wish to be benevolent; they deal with all things as the dogs of grass are dealt with.

And when (one with the highest excellence) does not wrangle (about his low position), no one finds fault with him.
this one would be poorly translated if you removed the words in parenthesis

It is better to leave a vessel unfilled, than to attempt to carry it when it is full.

if you keep testing the sharpness of a blade, soon it will not be.

Gravity is the root of lightness; stillness, the ruler of movement.

All-pervading is the Great Tao! It may be found on the left hand and on the right.


if you like these, I can find more obscure stuff.

August 6, 2009 9:52 AM  
Blogger ericthered said...

In addition to long things, you have written some very great short things.

Have some fun

August 6, 2009 10:06 AM  
Blogger michael said...

one more

"I'm in ur base killing ur doodz"

August 6, 2009 10:23 AM  
Blogger logankstewart said...

Glad I could help, Pat. I'm already intrigued for the fundraiser this year.

August 6, 2009 10:45 AM  
Anonymous Vasko said...

Just a thought anyone good enough online to maybe host a message board for Pat? If I was better with a computer I would love to, just thought it woulf be cool for a place for fans to gather?

August 6, 2009 11:07 AM  
Anonymous Leisa said...

1. Learn from my mistakes.

2. Practice your signature now.

3. Writers beware.

4. Editors and predators.

5. It's a strange world.

6. Let's do it that way, let us divide and conquer.

7. The downside is the same as the upside.

8. I don't know what it means, but its pretty.

9. People who give away spoilers go to the special hell.

Sound familar? Yeah, had some spare time, just went into random archives and picked random sentences you'd written in them.

WV: alitiem
Actually this is a phrase we use in the south - it means it was necessary to chastise him. Example: He obviously wasn't paying attention to me so alitiem.

August 6, 2009 11:36 AM  
Blogger Rory said...

The journey of a thousand miles begins in Kvothe's pants.

20% of all fortune cookies contain trace amounts of fecal matter. Enjoy!

Your lucky number is: elbow.

August 6, 2009 11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would put in the cookie:

1. Give the cute, bearded wiseass a dollar.

AND . . .

2. Your credit card has been charged $19.99 for this cookie. Plus shipping and handling.

August 6, 2009 12:23 PM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Print both sides with "wrong side"

August 6, 2009 12:33 PM  
Blogger jdcb said...

get a couple that say "Made you Look!"

August 6, 2009 1:12 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

I've never been terribly good at these things (I tend to pretty long winded myself), but I'll give it a shot.

Look up.

Your time is coming.

If you are reading this, you have too much time on your hands.

This is the most substantial part of the meal you just ate.

This is the most reading you've done all year.

You're bald. You know it. We know it. Ditch the rug.

August 6, 2009 1:47 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Oh, just thought of one more.

Beware of cookies from eccentic, bearded men.

August 6, 2009 1:53 PM  
Anonymous Aryanne said...

- ctrl+alt+del, Saving lives since 1981

August 6, 2009 3:36 PM  
Anonymous nicholases said...

"Porcupine underpants would be very uncomfortable."

I don't think anyone can object to simple truth in that statement

August 6, 2009 3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think they should be fortunes that relate to the books. Such as...

Last is the door of death.

Always check you're lute strings.

Will you be my Reshi?

Master Elodin thinks you're odd.

Beware of the bone-tar.

Meet me and Anker's.

That's all I can come up with at the moment, but you get the idea.

August 6, 2009 4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, just a last minute one I couldn't pass up sharing...

You want a fortune? Throw me in the House of the Wind.

August 6, 2009 4:25 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

[This page left intentionally blank.]

I was just forced to add this to documents at work. Engineers never understand why this bothers me.

August 6, 2009 6:27 PM  
Anonymous Kyle F. said...

A few ideas.

"There is no stone."

"Ambrose has just purchased your ass."

"Go find me three perfect pine cones."

"The wise man fears the sea in storm, a night with no moon and the anger of a bearded man."

"Naming may cause dizziness, paranoia, maniacal laughter, disembodied voices and general weirdness."

And some taken from our friendly neighborhood Engrish site . . .

"You can enjoy the fresh air after finishing a civilized urinating."

"Beware of missing foot."

"It's so moonshine in that empty dream."

"Ground ahead! Slow down!"

"No anything else, but happy only!"

Well, that's all I have. Hopefully I've done more than clutter up your comments with these. <_<

August 6, 2009 7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are being followed.

Knowing where the bathroom is shall come in handy.

If confronted with a special treat in a large metal object, it is a trap.

Do not ask if she is pregnant.

You shall regret destroying a cookie.

A bear shall over estimate your ability to prevent fires.

If you have never written another mans fortune I don't think you can ever understand.

Got milk?

-plucky

August 6, 2009 8:09 PM  
Anonymous Daniel Manthorpe said...

Nothing to see here.

You are
what you eat
you ate
cookie fortune

Next month you will arghhWHAT?!! FOXDIE!?Damn you Sna

Don't stop believing.

If it is not broken, do not fix it; unless it is a epic space opera franchise, George Lucas.

Your element of the month is POLONIUM

August 6, 2009 8:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A few ideas:

Fool! You have released the evil!!!

Chicken: astes like house cat.

Run, it's gaining on you!

Or, you could put little messages that start with 'Learn sympathy', and have short tips or guidelines for the magic in Kvothe's world. Kind of like those 'Learn Chinese' one or two phrase snippets on the back of some fortunes.

Or just put in a link to Heifer . . .


-- Gathers Scrolls

August 6, 2009 8:54 PM  
Anonymous Dana said...

For GenCon:
-Don't make any sudden movements; there's a girl nearby.

-Where I come from, 3.5 is greater than 4.0

Japanese proverbs:
-Only death will cure a fool.

-Even monkeys fall from trees.

-Don't let your daughter-in-law eat your eggplants.

August 6, 2009 8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't stick a spoon in your eye over it.

August 6, 2009 9:04 PM  
Anonymous Adderly said...

Here is an idea. Personalize it more for those you hand them out to and use 5 of your favorite quotes from your book. Additionally you could have a lucky winner of an autographed book and picture of you, by having one of the cookies have a message saying that “they are a winner”, of course in the spirit of your book. Something exciting like that would make GEN Con very memorable for one fan.

August 6, 2009 9:07 PM  
Anonymous ML Burt said...

My only suggestion:

"NEVER BE ALONE!"

August 6, 2009 10:48 PM  
Blogger Alex Sheftel said...

What frustrates me with fortune cookies is that in at least 9 out of 10, the "fortune" is not actually a fortune. I'll try to make these suggestions prescient as any bona fide fortune ought to be:

"'In bed' after a fortune, Yoda will say."

"This fortune will remind you of Patrick Rothfuss."

"This fortune will self-destruct if you do not read it."

-Alex

August 7, 2009 3:15 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

i do have a few:

Behind you! A three-headed monkey!

You fight like a dairy farmer

You're uglier than a monkey in a negligee

And the best fortune cookie I ever actually got:

You will do something bad for a good reason

August 7, 2009 4:01 AM  
Blogger Kunst-Jan said...

You will not become rich today. But is so, dont blame me.

You should have taken the other cookie

-> 0 <- You have seen the ring! you die within 7days

Next time, use a bottle instead of a cookie

The best cookie is the next one!

August 7, 2009 5:47 AM  
Blogger DK said...

I've only been able to think of one good one. Hopefully it's good enough to make it into the batch.

"Even on a rainy day, a fuzzy catgirl hat will make the sun shine."

Or something similar. Pat, you're pretty good with words, so if you decide to tweak it, I'll be OK with it.

August 7, 2009 7:59 AM  
Anonymous Billy of Alaska said...

I like where you are headed with the ominous sounding fortune cookies. For the last 15 years (and I'm only 25) I've had the idea of having a "Misfortune Cookie" company. Or atleast sneak a misfortune cookie onto someone's tray of regular "happy go lucky" cookies, so one person in the party is disturbed and worried about what they've just read in a cookie. some examples are...

Your best days are behind you

You're nobody special

Your friends only like you for your money

You look fat in swim-wear

You've surprised everyone by making it this far in life

I'm your only friend... a cookie... please don't eat me

August 7, 2009 8:50 AM  
Anonymous DaveB said...

Where the cat grows tall, your tree is strong

He will take you there if you ask him

Those are unforgivable thoughts

If you break the china, the monkey will rise to power

In the East the sun will set; in the west your moon will rise; your time is short

August 7, 2009 9:02 AM  
Anonymous Thomas R said...

I haven't read all the comments so forgive me if I've stolen someone else's idea for a fortune cookie saying. Here's mine:

Denna kills Kvothe.

Let me tell you, people will not first read, but spastically flip through book 2 wondering if that's true. :-)

August 7, 2009 10:35 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

the only other person I "know" on facebook who reached the magical 5,000 limit is Emerson Spartz, founder of mugglenet.com, the insanely popular (and awesome) harry potter fan site.

Fortune cookies would be awesome if they said things like,

"Han shot first."

"Your girlfriend wishes you were taller."

"Don't use too much salt."

"Ramen noodles are delicious."

"Yes sir, Captain Tightpants."

"Did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?"

"If you're gonna get into the Evil League of Evil, you have to have a memorable laugh."

August 7, 2009 11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there is a qoute from u that ive always rather enjoyed and i think it deserves to make into the cookie collection and it is

P.S. Your tears are delicious to me!

August 7, 2009 11:17 AM  
Anonymous Marco said...

Kvothe dies in book three. Suck it.

August 7, 2009 2:26 PM  
Anonymous Treefork said...

This may have been suggested I didn't scan all the comments before I thought of it, but... how about this for a fortune?

"Book two will be released XX/XX/XXXX"

Eh?

August 7, 2009 6:45 PM  
Blogger Carolyn Watson said...

Make the fortune cookie state that the bearer will most likely be eaten by a Grue.

Side question: are you fond of Cthulhu or Cthulhu-based products?

That is all.

August 7, 2009 9:06 PM  
Blogger Carolyn Watson said...

Oh! I forgot:

The best fortune I ever received was:
"Beware cookies bearing fortunes"

August 7, 2009 9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Philisophs...

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. (Lao Tzu)

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment. (Lao Tzu)

Large skepticism leads to large understanding. Small skepticism leads to small understanding. No skepticism leads to no understanding. (Xi Zhi)

We live, not as we wish to, but as we can. (Mencius)

Rewards and punishments are the lowest form of education. (Zhuangzi)

Do not let circumstances control you. You change your circumstances. (Jackie Chan)

During the first period of a man's life the greatest danger is not to take the risk. (Kierkegaard)

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. (Aristotle)

August 7, 2009 10:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember to charge your iPod.

Your keys were in the dog.

August 8, 2009 12:28 AM  
Anonymous Matt F. said...

OH SHIT!

That was a close one. Be more careful.

Those don't grow back, you know.

You have 82,369 steps remaining.

Try it. What's the worst that could happen?

Even a goose must say "whist" and walk on.

Hey y'all, watch this!

Do you ever worry about things falling out of the sky onto you?

Hey, I'll be a Ruh and you be a tinker. Ok?

MSG is fuckin' awesome, dude.

Yeah, go ahead and unfasten your top jeans button. Nobody will mind.

You are a tool in my hand. Say it.

You wimped out and used a fork, didn't you?

You are too fond of your little cruelties.

Her nose was a little crooked.

Ain't nuthin a little more soy sauce won't fix.

Bruce Lee whooped Chuck's ass that one time.

THEY'RE IN ME! THEY'RE IN ME! THEY'RE IN ME!

You seem kind of uncomfortable.

Congratulations. That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Ever.

You should stop making right turns for the next few days.

Oh, sorry about that.


Word verification... Loacus: place where William Gibson fans hang out.

August 8, 2009 12:58 AM  
Anonymous Aleron said...

The fortune cookie is a lie.

best one i've seen yet.

HILARIOUS (for everyone who has played portal)

August 8, 2009 10:00 AM  
Anonymous Andy said...

Hope you like diarrhea!

August 8, 2009 10:51 AM  
Anonymous Andrew H said...

Ideas:

This cookie only touched the ground twice before wrapping.

Has anyone ever told you your dreams smell like french fries?

This cookie apologizes for giving you herpes.

Nice knowing you!

Mom?

You are now out of mana.

August 8, 2009 2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beware of people driving cars in broad daylight.

When in doubt always take the left path.

[Insert witty comment here.]

You will never get the time it took you to read this rip-off of a fortune back.

You broked'd me! I hope you're happy!

What you expected a cream filling?

This cookie had hopes and dreams but now you've squished them. :(

Friends don't let friends take advice from cookies.

Please! Stop ordering cookies, they won't let me leave!

In soviet Russia cookie eats youuuuu!

If you're really seeking advice from a cookie, I'm sorry for you.

August 8, 2009 3:57 PM  
Blogger Selenio said...

Strangenly here in Spain we do not have fortune cookies. I've eaten chinese food hundreds of times and never got one.

I'd go with...

- The name of the wind is Fred

- A wise man's fear is to wear dirty underwear the night she says yes

- Kvothe is hiding himself from Bad Horse

Selenio.

August 8, 2009 4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"You got this for free, and you want wisdom too?!

August 8, 2009 5:30 PM  
Blogger Skyrish said...

When I was 12ish, half a century agoish, my fortune cookie read: If your morals make you dreary they are sure to be wrong.

August 8, 2009 6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-the glass is too big

-never pet a burning dog

-originally, made in japan

-if at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving

August 8, 2009 9:58 PM  
Blogger Vryce said...

A fortune I've been promoting for years now:

You Have 30 Seconds. 29... 28...

(on the back:)
Your Lucky Numbers Are 27 26 25 24

August 9, 2009 9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you build it, He will come.

August 9, 2009 12:21 PM  
Blogger Lea said...

omg I feel so bad now I didnt read the rules for requesting a signed book sent! X(

I hope the mask made up for my lack of details *runs and hides*

August 9, 2009 12:34 PM  
Blogger Avala said...

I always liked the idea of misfortune cookies. i.e.: It will happen on Thursday. They know your secret. Beware the shrimp. They're watching you.

August 9, 2009 4:22 PM  
Blogger Major Sheep said...

One man's Edema Ruh is another man's band of thieves.

The Adem never teach, but you still may learn.

The tree speaks truth at the expense of butterflies.

Never tug on an Amyr's hauberk.

Sympathy isn't magic, but it's close enough.

Sympathy means "once together, always together."

Don't be afraid to use the Names you know.

One night with Felurian is worth five years with the milk maid.

Be wary of the warrior who isn't afraid to wear white.

Beware of Folly.

Never fall asleep beside a waystone.

Haliax is Kvothe's father. Don't tell anyone.

August 9, 2009 7:02 PM  
Blogger FDP said...

Kvothe the (character to die in the next book) nevermore...

Use of the pronounciation of the protagonist and Edgar Allen Poe all wrapped up in Cookie goodness... and rumours about character deaths are always exciting.

August 9, 2009 7:21 PM  
Blogger Justin B. said...

This post has been removed by the author.

August 9, 2009 11:13 PM  
Blogger Justin B. said...

Your future impotence shall greatly limit you.

Size matters not especially within the heat of the moment.

The second book shall not be released till December 21,2012

With my freeze ray, I can stop.. the world.

This cookie contains the remains of dead children.

The paper which you've precariously unfolded was used by indigenous people as toilet paper.

Beware, there lies "lead" within this cookie.

This cookie tastes like ass.

Snape kills Dumbledore.

You are Captain Tightpants!

August 9, 2009 11:14 PM  
Anonymous Daniel said...

Before you criticize somebody, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have thier shoes.

August 9, 2009 11:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Destruction and downfall of a great hero approaches swiftly- But the phoenix foretells rebirth in death.

Because Cryptic bullshitting is fun and scares silly people.

also, chocolate covered fortune cookie = win of the century. My mind is blown.

August 10, 2009 12:40 AM  
Anonymous darcherd said...

Best fortune cookie actually received: "Forget her. She's no good for you."

And how about the two absolutely universal truths in any situation?
1. This, too, shall pass.
2. It could be worse.

August 10, 2009 11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont eat me.

How would you like it if a cookie ate you!

I ate Pat.

Give Pat the Cookie.

Eat at joes.

Eat me and we become one.

August 10, 2009 1:39 PM  
Blogger Zavin said...

I would have to throw my vote in on "I'm lost in the factory. Send help. And milk."

August 10, 2009 1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm the stomach eater type, y'know...

YAY YOU JUST GOT A HAPPY FORTUNE :D

Don't you feel like scratching your ears?

You can't lick your elbows.

I'm a cookie from Mars! I have a very important message to earthlings concearning the future of the planet! But you probably ate me...oh well...

AHAAAAAAAAAAA!
Didn't I frightened you? Yeah, I know... you are probably choking, haha, I'm sorry, I'm just a too badass cookie fortune...

Oh, I guess those last ones weren't short...

August 10, 2009 3:15 PM  
Anonymous Tall Chris said...

"Do not trust grey-eyed man. His 20-sided is weighted."

"Pipes are coming back. If you wait too long you'll seem like a poser."

"Lorren was Kvothe's Grandpa. I wrote it out."

"You will misquote my book 3 times before the cock crows."

"It was poisoned...wait. Is laxative a poison?"


For females you meet:
"I was too shy to say so, but you have very pretty eyes. -PR" ...or to leave a guy feeling weird and confused I guess.

For males...or women who enjoy the company of other women:
"Nip slip. 3 min. To the left. Princess Leia (slave) costume."

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY:
"You gain +5 Social Skills. And I escaped while you were distracted."


--> Matt: Even though HP is kinda sorta green, I love the Horcrux, RAB fortune.

August 10, 2009 7:06 PM  
Blogger Wren said...

And more ideas:

I hope you didn't break the cookie, it's a family heirloom

Things left unfinished will bring certain doom (eat your cookie)

This is Pat's cookie. Why would you eat Pat's cookie?

You are one step closer to the complete fortune cookie experience!

Like noodles in a man's hat I see an unexpected lunch in your future.

August 11, 2009 10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget to floss!

August 11, 2009 10:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about:

"Redeem this at the Veterinary Clinic next door for one free puppy shampoo and a free pouch of catnip"

August 11, 2009 10:36 AM  
Blogger Zwolsche Diva said...

I know someone who happens to be perfect to quote.. Remember these?

- Masturbating with a cheese grater - Vaguely amusing, but mostly painful.

- One word down. 299,999 to go!

- A dry, joyless husk cannot write a book that is full of wonderful things

- I am the steaming turd in your bowl of cereal

- Good lord. I'm pretty sure I just wrote a completely new sentence.

- If your WOW character is named Wonkerbee Bumchuck, it just won't work!

- 'Childlike.' That was it. The perfect word.

And that is just one blog.. Speculaas met hopjesvla, isn't it?

August 11, 2009 1:45 PM  
Blogger Trey said...

Both your love and this meal will soon burn your ass as they leave you.

August 11, 2009 2:01 PM  
Blogger Emdy said...

I'm working on it, 'kay?
Thanks for your money.
Makes a great doorstop. (I kid.)

August 11, 2009 4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My vote is for....
All of Andrew W's made me laugh.
Tae's 'poorly translated' were good and someone did some real philosophy quotes which were well chosen.
Cisko " Your heirs will find this in your sock drawer"
Hannah "Buy Westing Paper products" ( Good to know there are other Raskin fans out there)
Brandon "kvothe ate the cream filling"
unreturned library books and the various permutations of "try again later" or "this program is not responding" made me smile.
And all the people who recommended other websites with fortunes already on them...just didn't get it.
Thanks everyone for making me smile.
PSFrom a fan point of view, random comments from the book is the killer app!

August 11, 2009 4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you really want to mess with someone's head, make some of the fortunes say, "Kvothe dies," or something.

August 11, 2009 4:47 PM  
Anonymous Ricky D said...

1. Friction is a drag.

2. Never moon a werewolf.

3. Dumbledore dies in this one.

4. (Insert witty remark here)

August 11, 2009 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Vinny K said...

Here are a few ideas I had

1) This fortune will self-destruct in....
2) Your shoe-lace is untied...
3) Did you look in mirror before you left?!
4) Why do I smell sweaty palms?
5) While you were reading this, a draccus walked by.
6) So, Kvothe and Denna are sitting at a bar....
7) I see fluffy, pink socks in your future.
8) I would tell you your future, but you don't seem to have one.
9) What came first, the fortune or the cookie?
10) Your home will be broken into in 3...2...1...now.

August 11, 2009 9:38 PM  
Anonymous Vinny K said...

A few more occured to me

11) A draccus in the hand is worth two in the bush.
12) That which you fear will not happen as long as you don't read this...
13) You will lose the third toe on your right foot.
14) Your hand isn't who you think it is.
15) This is not the cookie you're looking for.

I'll post more when they come to me.

August 11, 2009 9:57 PM  
Anonymous Dan M said...

This cookie flavored with love. (If you were wondering about the taste)

You are not Pat's biggest fan. Your mom is Pat's biggest fan.

Spoiler alert- Kvothe is Keyser Soze

Spoiler alert- Kvothe is Lord Haliax

The name of the wind is Robert. Bob to his friends.

Wise men fear angry wives

Check page 435 of Wise Man's Fear for Harry Potter guest cameo

Check page 154 of Wise Man's Fear for Frodo Baggins guest cameo

Name of the Wind Film rights have been sold to Uwe Boll. Be afraid.

Operation Mongoose is go. Release the Mimes, be ready with the Confetti and lighter fluid. Good luck Agent 14

No one ever stops to wonder why these things are tinted yellow...

August 12, 2009 12:25 AM  
Anonymous Dan M said...

I can't believe no one has thought of this yet.
(Include as much as possible)

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

-First ever rick-roll via fortune cookie. Though of course it'll have to be edited down to a key line or two.

August 12, 2009 1:37 AM  
Anonymous Dan M said...

Step 1. Grow Beard
Step 2. ???
Step 3. Profit!

100% recycled toilet paper

Don't trust the lying lairs

August 12, 2009 1:44 AM  
Anonymous Vinny K said...

A few more...

16) If you think this is pointless, you should see the flip-side!
17) The Name of the Wind is...irrelevant to your waking mind.
18) If you are reading this, it already is too late.
19) I'll tell you your fortune if you tell me mine...
20) Go to jail, go directly to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars.

Hope you enjoyed them!

August 12, 2009 1:44 AM  
Anonymous Vinny K said...

More...

21) Did you just see that hottie walk by?!
22) Think about it this way; the fortune may suck, but at least the cookie was free!
23) Why would you look to me for advice?! My house is edible!(or 'a cookie!' whichever you think is more funny)
24) Yes, he/she does think you're a dork.
25) Bite me....WAIT! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY!

August 12, 2009 1:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many Hunter S. Thompson quotes would make greate fortunes such as

"Call on God, but row away from the rocks"

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."

"I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes."

"In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."

August 12, 2009 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Gerren said...

fortune cookie idea:

Please send help! I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory!

August 12, 2009 9:02 AM  
Anonymous Notsteve said...

I like the ominous ones:

1. It wasn't a dream.

2. When the time comes, you'll know what to do.

3. Don't turn around. They're watching.

4. That was a mistake.

5. Some urban legends are true.

August 12, 2009 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Kelza said...

Aww, Vasko beat me to a Zero Wing reference!

Some ideas:

- Sleep with your eyes open tonight.
- I am your father.
- Did you leave the stove on?
- Beware of the ninja in your cupboard.
- Good things come to those who eat cake.
- Cake or death?
- This fortune cookie will self destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... joking!
- Don't trust the green-leafed tree.
- There is no reality. Only Rothfuss.
- +++ Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot +++
- EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
- Fortune Cookies: Now with added Plutonium!
- Brazil or Bust
- I.O.U One Cream Filling.
- Don't Blink. Blink and you're dead.
- Stop, drop and ROLL!
- [Insert Wise/Cryptic Statement Here]
- Je suis une baguette.

August 12, 2009 1:51 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

More literary goodness:

"This is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of."

"What do you get when you multiply six by nine?" (flip side: Lucky number: 42)

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."

"It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear."

August 12, 2009 4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The turtle moves!!!

August 12, 2009 7:40 PM  
Anonymous Zarg said...

-I really hope you read this before eating that cookie... otherwise, have fun with that cyanide.

-That chicken you ate was no chicken.

-Ssufhtor skcor! Ssufhtor skcor!

-This sentence is false.

-Pinocchio says: My nose will grow.

-Stop it. Right now. Or else.

-Uh oh. It just ran up your leg.

-Eew, a rat just ran through the cookie batter...

-Denna dined on denner for dinner.

-Beware the rakish man wearing the sari.

-Elucidation draws near.

-Quick, define "materfamiliases." No? Well, that just shows how much you know.

-You may have caught a rare and uncurable disease. Or maybe not.

-You've got a little xanthelasma on your cheek. No, to the left a bit. No, my left! Farther, farther... there, you got it.

August 12, 2009 9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sanity calms but Madness is more interesting!

Annie

August 12, 2009 10:43 PM  

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