Sunday, October 19, 2008
Your College Survival Guide: How to impress your professor.

Here's one of the first columns I wrote for the College Survival Guide. It's from way back in the day. Not my best work, as I was still figuring out how to be funny back then. But it's still worth a chuckle or two....


Well, the first month of the semester is pretty much over. So if you're a serious student like myself, it's about time you considered going to what we eighth-year seniors like to refer to as "class."

Do not be alarmed. "Class" has received a lot of bad press in the past several years, leading many students to avoid it entirely. I however, have always believed that "class," when taken in moderation, adds a new, enriching dimension to your whole college experience.

But "class" is not something to be approached hastily. Important questions should be asked before attending your first "class." Questions such as: "What time is it?" "Who has my pants?" and "Is this your slightly molested, vaguely-orangutan-looking, plush toy?"

Once you've answered these questions (and taken any appropriate legal action that the answers seem to necessitate) you should be ready to go to "class." For new students, I recommend that you bring some school supplies to class. The most important of these are: Pants (this should prove simple, if you've answered question #2), and a bag of candy.

(Optionally, if you had trouble answering question #3, you may want to bring the plush orangutan as well. It may belong to someone who happens to be attending your "class.")

Now, some people will recommend that you bring pencils, paper, a calculator, etc. That's a loosing strategy, because if you try to remember all those dozens of little things, you're bound to forget at least one of them. But as long as you're wearing pants you can usually borrow pens, paper, and books from other students, or in extreme situations, trade candy for them.

On the other hand, if you forget your pants, my experience has been that no one will lend you theirs. Also, without pants, your "classmates" will be noticeably less willing to take any candy you offer in trade.

So, once you are wearing you pants and you're in "class," you should notice one student that is older than all the rest. This old student is called the professor. You will note that he is also wearing pants. This will form a bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a "grade."

In rare occasions, your professor will remove his pants. The proper thing to do in this circumstance is to remove your pants as well. This will form an even closer bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a "disease."


Something cool coming Monday. Stay tuned.


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posted by Pat at 43 Comments

Monday, May 19, 2008
Photo Contest Part III - Anthropomorphic and Athletic

Lots of pictures today. Let's get right to it, shall we?

First category: Most Athletic

Here's Captain Joe again, making me feel better about the fact that I still play on the springy horses too. The name of his mighty steed? Captain Joe dubbed him "Thunderplum."

I don't know what sport is being invented here. But I'm reasonably sure that 1) It kicks the ass off Polo. And 2) I really don't want to play without some serious protective gear.

I love this one for many reasons, not the least of which is that it led to me learning an awesome new word: arabesque.

I don't know the word for this pose, but I wish I did. I like to think that if I knew the word, I could make use of it at some future point in my life and be better off for it.

Why is this photo listed in "Most Athletic?" Well, apparently it was shot while running away from security on the set of Johnny Depp's new movie, "Public Enemies."

Someone might need a lesson about sharing. And about keeping his center of gravity low during a bout....

See? Apparently three people can read the book at once.

I really appreciate it when people are careful with the book. Since they have someone there whose express purpose is to catch the paperback if it falls, they get the runner-up position. Since it's a group shot, they each get a prize.

I love the pointy toes here....

Another item for my long list of Fun Stuff I Would Hurt Myself Doing.

Also, I would like everyone to appreciate the degree of restraint I'm showing by not making a swinger joke right now.

And the winner. Both ladies can have their choice of items from among the swag available. Also, you should rest comfortably in the knowledge that you rock the house, the casbah, and my socks, in roughly that order.

Next: Most Anthropomorphic

Another thing I didn't expect when I started this competition was that folks might dress up my books or to put them into people-ish situations. Such as this...

The caption for this photo was something along the lines of, "A great book, but does it cuddle?"

And yes, that is canned frosting and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. It appears my book is continuing in the fine tradition of getting more action than me.

...or should that be "more action that I?" Meh. Witness the deep wellspring of my not really giving a damn.

Moving on.

This is my book reading a magazine. Some flights are so long that even your leisure reading can get bored.

This one is bound to screw with your perspective a little bit.....

... especially combined with the runner-up. Who knew my book was such a rebel?

But this is the unabashed winner. The caption:

Old Grandpa muses on the new addition to the family..."It's sure a good thing the little whippersnapper looks so much like my daughter. Look at that husband of hers - using a length of rope to hold up his pants. In my day, I had a rippling naked man chest - but I had to cast that vanity aside. Now days all you need is daisies to woo a woman and she'll ignore your ridiculous pants!"

Every time I look at this picture I find something new to love. But even before I read the caption, I was marveling at the pants.

The next time I'm at some convention, and there's a group of new authors hanging around at the bar trying to out-awesome each other, I'm going to sit back until everyone else has bragged their biggest brag. Then I'll pull out my trump card: "Someone made pants for my book," I'll say, "And then they took a picture of it."

So I declare this a double win. I'll send the genius behind it a couple of prizes of her choice. She deserves them.

Later all,


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posted by Pat at 22 Comments

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